Just dont....

Because....If you do leave me I am forced to get over you.... I'll have to move on and start again.... I'll have to begin to admit that maybe we weren't right for one another and that I became someone who pushed you so far away..... Please just don't leave me

Torn

Addiction

Your like an addiction. Your on my mind 24/7. When I am around you, I crave your attention and your soft touch.

Ouch that hurt

10 months and counting since we broke up. You worked through it slowly and haven't been with anyone me I've been with 3 guys had ups and downs with them all but never came to the realization that sooner or later you wouldn't be mine anymore you would soon belong to someone else and I would become that distant memory.

My ex and I are great friends since the mutual break up we have been nothing but talking every second day, hanging out on weekends, he even paid for me to fly down and visit some old friends because at the time I was in a rough patch. He is a great guy anyone would be lucky to end up with him. Respectful, cruisy, will do anything anything to make you happy and for some reason I only realized on Saturday night that all this wasn't going to be mine forever.

2 weeks ago we were out and a mutual friend of ours brought another girl friend "K". The night was awesome and K and my ex spoke most of the night. My ex mentioned that she and I didn't really chat and did try to have a chat with her but she turned the other way and whispered to another friend instead of including me in the conversations so I left it. Didn't think I'd really see her again and may ex can come across as very flirtatious and caring because he is but he means it in no harmly manner and sometimes it can be read very wrong.

Saturday night arrives the gang is heading out. All dolled up heels, hair the dress and make up done. My ex and I go together meet everyone there and then "K" arrives. She ignores me at first and doesn't say hi and later during the night we get left together so I begin conversation. What does she do for work, what school she went to, how old she is, is she single.... And then I mention that I realize she is interested in my ex and for her not to let me get in the way of her making any moves. Her response was that she did feel uncomfortable about me and my ex's friendship and wasn't sure what to do. I said he is a great guy and we have the best friendship and blah blah blah... Next I know the whole night she is sitting on his lap exchanging phone numbers, we end up all at her house later and not that they were kissing in front of me but it all just hit me. He isn't mine anymore and whether it's her or someone else soon I will be a distant memory and in most cases the friendship I have with him won't be existent. He will attend her 21st and hang with her friends and his of course but me being the threat will begin to not be included in these types of events.

We were planning over seas trips, moving out again with another friend, parties and festivals and now things will begin to change and I won't be a priority anymore and it all just hit me now..... What a weekend things have definitely become a realization and not one I like...

That feeling....

That feeling you get when he kisses your neck, when he holds your hand for the first time, when he whispers in your ear and tells you how special you are.

The feeling you get when you get a text message from him saying how much you mean to him. The feeling you get when all you want is to be in his arms and there he is.

Remember back to when you were in Grade 7 and your first crush and you were gazing into each others eyes across the class room or he would tease you flirtatiously and then all of a sudden you realized that feeling.... Then next you would sit as close as you could to one another and it was a big deal for him to hold your hand or for that kiss on the lips, that feeling was so innocent and fun and you felt as though it was forever....

The the feeling of your first serious boy friend and you experimenting in the bedroom, the feeling of nervousness so scared to tell you parents yet dying  inside to tell you friends... The feeling that you were now a woman....

The feeling of that break up where you thought it was the end of the world and you would never find anyone else then out of no where you have your first kiss with a random guy you meet out dancing... That feeling of confidence and excitement and that maybe there is someone else out there for me....

The feeling of meeting someone new and getting to no one another and what they like... Meeting the parents and friends and being accepted. Kissing them for the first time, spending the night for the first time, telling them you love them for the first time... That feeling is indescribable.

Through love your life magically transforms.........

I miss your bedroom antics

Love me not

It's hard to say what I now feel for you, it's not even like you care what I think anyway otherwise you would of called......

I want to thank you though for what you have taught me and how you did make me feel. I felt protected when I was in your arms as though if anything would have gone wrong you would have held me until it was all better. Your kiss was soft but my was it addictive and just your humour and personality was fun unpredictable and yet I felt like I could immediately tell you anything and I wouldn't be judged...

Thank you for teaching me how to wrap my wrists for boxing - silly I know but you still sat there through all the blonde moments. Thank you for coming with me and the girls to a movie just to spend time with me not many guys wouldn't do that. Thank you for teaching me that I do like some sushi and sometimes taking the plunge at the unknown isn't all that bad.. And most of all thank you for listening to me and giving me advice on things that were perfect answers for someone that hardly knew me.  You have taught me a lot about  myself and made me think that you actually liked me so I fell head over heels for you but you have taught me a lot about the person I want to end up with, it won't just be anyone....

Alone

Do you ever feel so alone that you could nearly run away to another city and no one would even realise that you were gone? This sensation lately has taken over my body and I feel as if I can't do anything to change it.

My love life is dead its completely non existent... What I wanted I can't have and then I question do I really want that and worry about what other people are going to say if I do what I want.... I probably shouldn't care what others think but it crosses my mind to oftern than not.

Then my friendships I have now begun to realise are all a one way street if I don't call or text or organize something I never hear from them which is a shame really especially when they class you as a best friend..... What best friends are they if they don't call or contact me especially when most of them know that my life at the moment is chaos but I suppose we find these things out through big changes in our life's. Not only that my best friend has moved 10 hours away and it feels strange not having her here but I know i won't lose her...

But this alone feeling never ends or at least it doesn't feel like it will. Even when in a large group of people I can still feel so alone... It's as though it follows me around and I am reminded every second that I have no one.

I wish I could be surrounded by people I loved and can understand me... Then just maybe this feeling will pass.

Open wounds

3 months ago I ended it with you and thought ending it was the right thing to do, but after Saturday night I'm not sure I have made the right decision. I couldn't keep my eyes off you all night and that moment alone was enough for me to question did I make the right decision. Your lips pressed up against mine and the way you grabbed my waist and pulled me into you made me weak at the knees. The hours after spent chatting about anything and everything reminded me how much you do care and how you know me so well.. Now I am questioning if I have made the right decision because the way you kissed me and held me is something I want to feel every night as it is perfect... But is it to soon to open up the wound that has just begun to heal. You hurt me so much and yes I hurt you a lot more. So maybe I did make the right decision 3 months ago and am I just basing this on false hope....