you have feelings before you even realise it

Having it all is it all it's worth...

At 21 I had it all... The dream job, living out of home, heading over seas with the boy friend who I'd been with for 2 and a half years... And then a month after the 21st we split, the over seas trip goes ahead as friends, we move back home, I quit the dream job and life begins well I suppose to fall apart and since May 2010 nothing has gone to plan... Or not even plan, life isn't a plan so maybe I should say nothing has really gone right or good compared to what I did have.

I have had flings, jobs come and go, still living at home which sucks my best friend has moved away, my ex starts going on dates with some skinny unhealthy bitchy girl and my life just keeps going on this down hill roller coaster.... AND why I ask myself do all these things keep happening .......... And the question never can be answered.. Did I chuck it all away thinking I'd easily get it all back and I'd be happier, or did I honestly not want that life anymore?

Friends are planning to go overseas with there boy friends or with there best friend and me I wanna go over seas so bad but no one to go with as I don't have a boy friend and friends to go with due to money, work and they are planning things with there own boy friend.... I can't move out as I want to go over seas and I don't have anyone to move out with anyway. My dream job turned out not to be so dream job after all and now I don't know if I want to study and start again or keep looking for work as I am just exhausted because I keep trying to piece life back together....

Come back now

Re-sparking

Where to begin....Or more importantly how to explain that "spark" you gave me but still give me.... I could be so deep in conversation with someone but as soon as you would enter the room, all I could think about was you. Your touch, your soft lips against mine, you pulling me in towards you with one hand on my hip the other on the side of my face. It use to annoy me when couples would go out with a group of friends and be all over one another but for some reason when we would go out, all I could think about was being with you...

The mornings were always the best with you. We would have all these plans on what we wanted to do for the day and as we would wake and begin to talk,  for some reason you would get things out of me that I wouldn't share with anyone else but you. We snuggle, we kiss and giggle and before you know it is 2pm and we haven't moved from your bed. It's as though I am in another world when I am around you.

The thing that would surprise me most was when you would call in sick when I had a day off just to spend the day with me. When you had my favourite wine over dinner, even though you hated wine you still drunk it with me. The day you arrived holding a bunch of flowers, just because one day I mentioned how I never get flowers from boy friends, but best of all, the time you said you wouldn't be home from your work trip for a couple more days... It had already been 2 weeks and all of a sudden you would walk through the front door after calling me to say you wouldn't be home for a few more days...The excitement couldn't be wiped off my face as you walked through that door unexpectedly and that spark would light up more and more, because I had already cried on the phone and sent you 10 text messages, complaining that I missed you so much and wished you would hurry up and come home.

All those things kept the spark alive but the minute we would have an argument it was as though my world had been ripped apart. It felt as if my tears wouldn't stop from falling from my eyes no matter how hard I tried not to, they just kept streaming down my face. It would be hard to breath and it was as if everything around me was squashing me and I had no where to go and didn't know how to get out. Every argument our "spark" would dim until we realized that our "spark" could no longer re-ignite itself. Now every time I see you I still get all those exciting feelings running through my stomach and images, running through my brain of what I wish would happen... I wonder if we could ever "re-spark" our relationship....

empty

Your there I can see and feel you  but at the same time your not really there.... Your somewhere else, your presence isn't within this house, this room, this bed, it's in another universe far away and you can barely realise that I am asking you questions. You response is distant, a murmur really and your barely answering my questions.... You manage to doze off while I sit and ponder on thoughts as to why you were so distracted. Do you still love me. Do you still believe we have a connection, do you believe we will ever work out.. Are you over me - what is it just tell me why your so empty....